Why We Should All Hate Big Bird

During the debate last week, Mitt Romney confessed to liking Big Bird, even though he intended to cut PBS’s government funding. So Obama supporters have taken that to mean he really hates Big Bird, because if you don’t give everyone what they want when they want it, you are ipso facto a hater.

Doesn’t matter. Here are five reasons why we should all hate Big Bird.

1. He talks. This confuses children. As Bill Nye the Erstwhile Science Guy made plain, we don’t want to beguile children with erroneous ideas about the natural world. Birds do not talk. At least not in English, and in complete sentences.

2. He’s a welfare king. Despite the fact that Sesame Street rakes in hundreds of millions in merchandising every year, this miserable creature continues to take funds from the public coffers.

3. He’s 8’2″ — which means he’s leaving a larger carbon footprint than Snoopy, a war veteran.

4. He’s a slum lord. As part of the Sesame Street “family,” he has left denizens like Oscar the Grouch living in garbage and the Cookie Monster eating nothing but junk food — for 40-plus years. Repeated calls to clean up Sesame Street and allow new private businesses to revitalize the economy have fallen on deaf ears. And while Mayor Bloomberg is slashing soda sizes, Sesame Street remains a marginalized haven of sugar-laden treats, ensuring that yet another generation of American youth gets hooked on the needle — the insulin needle.

5. In order to replenish his supply of feathers — he rips them off turkeys. Yes, you read correctly, turkeys. (Look it up if you don’t believe me.)

It’s time this bird was exposed for the massive fraud he is — a threat to the American way of life.

In fact, he’s not even a bird. He’s people. Yes, he’s people. Go to any prison in this country, and what do you see? People.

A vote for Mitt Romney is a vote to end the lies.

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