Attention, Screwballs: Area 51 Secrets to Be Revealed September 22!

And when I say “screwballs,” I don’t mean that in a derogatory manner. I’m using it in its literal sense: “a whimsical, eccentric, or crazy person: see zany.” And who doesn’t love a zany, so long as his ankle bracelet is activated and appropriate adult supervision is at hand and all the steak knives have been safely secured?

Be that as it may, the truth will finally come out about the military-industrial complex’s massive cover-up of the only verifiably rumored alien landing within the continental United States after that one Orson Welles lied about.

And the Easter Bunny will be there, too! Yes—Glenn!

Please note that this lecture is being sponsored by the National Atomic Testing Museum. So now we know what the long-term after-effects are of even low-level exposure to radiation.

I know, I know: I’m an anti-alien-invasion-conspiracy bigot. And I fully expect to receive my comeuppance once our robot overlords get those re-education camps up and running (assuming I don’t end up in one of those Beryllium mines).

No doubt some of you are shaking your multiple heads and asking how I can continue to doubt when someone like Ret. Air Force Col. Robert Friend, former director of the Air Force’s Project Blue Book from 1958 to 1963, is a believer? You’ve just answered your own question.

Far be it from me to deny you a close encounter of the loony kind. By all means, enjoy your lecture and come back here and let me know what we missed. But beware! Something strange is happening in the vicinity of — Grover’s Mill!